The First Snow Of The Season Marks The End Of Golf For 2008

Photograph By Kilroy_60

I was wrong on Friday, I'm happy to say, when I thought that I wouldn't get out to play golf again this year.

As it turned out I played with TheRedhead on Saturday. We also got out to play 18 holes.

There weren't many people on the course, mostly because it was gray, cold and a bit windy. But, it was dry and that was the deciding factor. {The fact that TheRedhead's father has a cart with a heater helped.}

We didn't bother keeping score; in fact both of us played three balls. It was fun getting out on the course one last time this year.

Better later, of course, in front of the fireplace giving TheRedhead a full body massage after grilling steaks for dinner.

We woke up this morning to snow. For me, that officially marks the end of the golf season. It led to a long morning in bed, though, which makes for a delicious substitute.

A Long Weekend That Turned Into A Week, Thanks To The McCain/Palin Ticket

Photograph by Kilroy_60

Republicans whined and bitched throughout the general election campaign because Barack Obama's prolific fund raising effort, which I was happy to support as much as the law allows,
positioned him to run what amounted to a 50-state campaign.

McCain's fund raising on the other hand was meager and some of his delusional supporters point to that as the reason he was trounced. Interestingly, they don't mention that the campaign essentially imploded as election day neared.

Photograph by Kilroy_60

What made it all more interesting for me, as a gambler, was that there was no problem finding supporters of the GOP who wouldn't contribute to the McCain/Palin ticket, but didn't hesitate to bet that Obama would lose. I suspect some of them contributed to the national party's smear campaign.

Needless to say, the election worked out quite well for me. In fact, since election day my tally sheet improved when President-elect Obama was named the winner in North Carolina. I still have a few bets outstanding in individual races as well as Missouri.

Photograph by Kilroy_60

TheSpecialOne and I went to California last week for what was to be a long weekend. That came from a bet I made on who would win the big job. We landed in San Francisco Thursday evening and I collected on two more bets, a quarter pound of BC Bud and six bottles of Johnnie Walker Blue Label.

Over the weekend we headed South to collect on the best bet I made this election season. I won two rounds of golf at Pebble Beach.

Photograph by Kilroy_60

As beautiful as I thought Pebble Beach was before going there it was over whelming to see in person. I shot one photograph of the course from the clubhouse and then put the camera away.

I didn't keep score in either round that I played and didn't know the course well enough to play for skins, but we did bet on individual shots.

You could say the good karma of the election carried over to the golf course and, from some of the bounces I got, the golf gods must have been smiling on me.

Whether Missouri goes blue or not, suffice to say, I won't be any worse off.

Photograph by Kilroy_60

We stayed a few extra days in California before heading home this afternoon.

I'm not sure whether I'll be playing golf again this season. Other than going to the driving range it doesn't look likely. Autumn has stretched out pretty well, but then, all good things must come to an end they say.

I couldn't end the season with a better round than I played in Pebble Beach. That's a definite.

Photograph by Kilroy_60
I launched this blog shortly after returning from Cape Cod. That makes it all the more interesting that I had an opportunity to visit the left coast not long after my three-year blogiversary.

It looks like convicted felon Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska is going to win re-election. I'll lose a bet there if that happens, but already have a double-or-nothing bet on what will happen next. More on that when the time comes.

If all goes as I hope I just might be seeing more of the Pacific Coast.

Thanks, again, to Senator John McCain, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and the GOP faithful for a great week.

Photograph by Kilroy_60

Glorious Days On The Golf Course

It was a brutal winter. That makes the beautiful spring we've been having all the more enjoyable.

I've been playing a lot of golf recently. Instead of photographing the courses, though, I've been focusing some effort on shooting seasonal trees.

These are some of my favorite shots.


If you're wondering, yes, I've let people play through now and then if I needed more time to get The Shot.

Time To Start Practicing For The New Golf Season

Photograph by Kilroy_60

I'm going out to hit some golf balls later today; that seems to be a good way to welcome Spring.

OK, so the sky isn't blue, it's not warm and the grass isn't green; well, it may be green but you can only see snow, again, sitting on top of it.

But to hell with all that.

With spring comes golf and the driving range at the course where I typically practice during the summer has an area that's covered and heated so I'm getting out to whack a bucket or three.

I'd like to get out on the course, with a cart, to knock the ball around a bit, but I won't hold my breath.

During My Absence...

If you'd have asked me when I last posted, other than the carnival announcement, I'd never have imagined it could be almost three weeks before I did so again.

I went to the golf course that afternoon to play a practice round. When I was walking toward the clubhouse I saw TheReadhead at the putting green. She was wearing tan shorts, a teal golf shirt and a black and teal DryJoys hat. Her hair was in a ponytail sticking out the back of the hat.

She was off the green chipping. I'd never seen her play before. I watcher her hit about a dozen balls. None were more than a foot from the cup and she dropped three or four of them in.

I went walking over; said something witty about it being nice to see her on the other side of the counter. She smiled at me, the a cat that just ate a canary. She said she'd worked that morning. She saw I had a tee time and decided we should play a round...instead of playing around.

She spoke to the starter and we walked toward the tenth tee to start. There would be less people in front of us that way. I suspect TheRedhead also liked the thought of the players coming around the turn watching her.

We were almost to the tee when she asked me if I was feeling adventurous. She wanted to know if I wanted to bet on our game. It turned out she didn't want to play for money. The stakes were more...personal.

To say I was a bit distracted would be an understatement. She even let me play two balls, taking the best of the two. I'm not sure if I won a hole all day. Yes, I lost. With the stakes we were playing for, though, you could say I won. We spent the next week together; it took me that long to pay what I owed.


When I returned home there was a message from GiGi. She'd been performing on the left coast and phoned when she got back into town. She invited me to her house, it was the first time I had been there.

We hung out for a few days and never left the house. I didn't take time for any photography.

The last few days I've been with TheSpecialOne. These photos are a rose she planted for me {it didn't bloom at all last summer} and the new hummingbird feeder she put out. One day, I suspect, she will fail to amaze me. That day hasn't come yet.


That's it for now, I must get some sleep.

{Photographs in this post by Kilroy_60}

And A New Season Begins...

I went to the golf course early this morning.

TheRedhead cooks a great breakfast; even on a clubhouse grill. I had a couple eggs over medium, hash browns, toast, a few Italian sausage links and...let's see, it was three Labatt Blues.

She asked if the boys were going to be joining me. I told her I was there to play with her...and that perhaps we could fit in a few holes of golf as well. It turns out SchemesALot was in last week sometime. She said he was about tripping over his tongue. Then, with a sly smile, TheReadhead told me she thought about making him beg before she sent him on his way. Yes, she was in rare form.

Funny, when I met her last year I never imagined her family owns the course. She doesn't seem to be the type to work in a snack bar because she likes it. One thing is certain, there's nothing near as tasty on the menu.

She had one of the beer girls come in to take care of the snack bar and we went out to play. It's been sunny and warm of late and spring has sprung in a big way. TheRedhead, of course, knows some spots that are both beautiful and private. Amazing the places on a course you never pay attention to when you're golfing.

At one point we stopped at the clubhouse; she had the beer girl make up a picnic lunch. We parked in a grove of pines and indulged. We had lunch as well.

I asked her when she was going to bring clubs when we go out to play. She said she'll think about it when I start shooting near par. I only practiced today...playing two balls. I was consistently inconsistent; although I did land most of the shots fairly close to each other from hole to hole.

With the distraction of TheRedhead it looks like we'll be playing other games for awhile...me trying to keep them in the short grass...and us making a beeline for the trees. 8-)

A Door Opened And Life Changed

Life changes. More often than not the big changes come without forethought, without planning.

What brings about change? There is a moment of inspiration. You see something on television, read something in the newspaper or find something in a website.

At times it's a telephone call that changes life. It could be a door that opens. For me, this past summer, it was a combination of the two. Literally...

---> Flashback, July, 2006 <---

I escaped work and purposefully avoided watching the news over the weekend. The Golf Gods smiled and I got out for 18 both days. The weather was perfect all weekend; the kind of days you want to bottle and open up by the time the middle of February rolls around.

Drove an hour on Saturday to play one of my favorite courses. Arrived at the perfect time...just after the guys who think they should be playing The Tour were leaving and the ones waiting for the weekend discount to kick in were sitting at home watching the clock. I walked and played two balls. Shot 90 with one and 93 with the other. They have a great snackbar where the blonde behind the counter came ever so close to making the cut for Playboy. I had two Italian sausage sandwiches between nines with perfectly grilled red peppers on the side. It was delicious. Oh yes, the sandwiches were very good too. The blonde's twin drives the drink cart; it seems like I'm always thirstier when I play there.

Late Sunday morning I got a call from SchemesALot. I was still in bed after a night of debauchery with TheSpecialOne. He asked if I wanted to join him and FinickyExaggerator for 18 that afternoon. I called him back a couple hours later to say I'd go. TheSpecialOne had given her blessing and gone to sleep. She was getting together with the girls for the evening.

SchemesALot told me we'd go to the course where he's gotten to be tight with the owner. The worm turned when I arrived to pick him up. He'd been drinking since he called me. SchemesALot wanted to tell me about his latest venture to make money without paying taxes. I could do it too, he told me, and I could use his PayPal account to be sure the money couldn't be traced. Next he wanted to show off his garden...then we went outside to see the other garden. Where was FinickyExaggerator I asked two or three times. Finally SchemesALot stopped talking. I asked him again and he told me we were meeting at the course.

SchemesALot never stopped chirping while I drove the roundabout way to the course. We drove twice as far as needed when he had me turn the wrong way. Twice. FinickyExaggerator was not there when we arrived. Normally he'd have arrived early enough to putt a bit, hit a couple buckets of balls, have something to eat, brush his teeth and be shopping in the proshop for the latest gadget. SchemesALot called to find out he'd gone to a different course. Of course SchemesALot didn't understand how it could have happened, but he told me it would be good as we'd have more time to hang out and talk.

SchemesALot suggested we go to the snack bar to wait for FinickyExaggerator. The statuesque red-head smiled wide as we walked in...like the cat that ate the canary. It quickly became apparent that SchemesALot was convinced if he tipped her enough that he was going to score. After a couple beers he told me he'd go and pay my greens fee so he could bullshit with his buddy. I was happy to be rid of him so I could have a couple sandwiches in peace. As he was walking away with my fifty dollars he told me we wouldn't have to pay for carts. I shook my head and the red-head laughed. He's really something, she said. "Something" doesn't begin to describe it, I told her. The fact that the red-head felt the need to comment spoke volumes. It was apparent that she was quite accustomed to attention and knew how to work with what God had blessed her.

FinickyExaggerator came in and asked what was going on with SchemesALot. Not only had he sent him to the wrong course, he told him I was coming at a later time. FinickyExaggerator didn't know how he was going to be able to play without time to prepare properly. I saw the red-head looking out of the corner of her eye with a mischievous smile on her face. The red-head didn't have the first three drinks FinickyExaggeator asked for; finally he settled for bottled water. He headed out to his car to change shoes and hit some putts.

I haven't seen you here with them before, the red-head said as FinickyExaggerator walked out. I told her I didn't know if she'd see me there with them again, but I wouldn't mind coming to see her. The red-head told me I was sweet and batted her eyes. Just then SchemesALot came bouncing in and asked if I'd seen FinickyExaggerator. Told he'd gone out to the parking lot, SchemesALot told me to come on...that we were burning daylight. I paid the red-head; as she took the money she looked into my eyes intently. I'll remember what you said about coming back, she told me. SchemeALot stuck his head back in the door...C'mon, man, let's go.

I went outside to find that SchemesALot had put our clubs on a cart and FinickyExaggerator had a cart parked next to his car across the parking lot. C'mon, man, SchemesALot told me, let's get over there. FinickyExaggeator is playing for free, SchemesALot told me as he burned tires making a quick getaway from the clubhouse. I asked about my change and SchemesALot told me he'd paid for the golf and would catch up with me later. I started to ask about the deal he was getting and SchemesALot told me I shouldn't worry so much. We're here to golf, he told me, chill out. I heard the red-head's voice in my head. He's really something.

SchemesALot had enough warm beer stashed in his bag to get him through the front side. But he had to keep taking cigarettes from FinickyExaggerator who smokes a European brand. This, of course, didn't go over well with FinickyExaggerator who kept pointing out that they have the generic ass cigarettes SchemesALot smokes in the clubhosue. SchemesALot never carded more than a bogey which FinnickyExaggerator continually questioned. He would recount shot for shot what had transpired on the hole we'd just played. Meanwhile, FinnickyExaggerator never shot more than par...according to the scorecard.

FinickyExaggerator was talking about his business venture, the newest gadgets and clubs he'd gotten to cut strokes off his game, how much money he was spending on various home remodeling projects and what he was buying for his boys. As we drove from one hole to the next SchemesALot contested whatever conversation I'd been having with FinnickyExaggerator. He made sure to point out that this didn't cost that much and how he had facilitated deals to get things done for FinnickyExaggerator at little or no cost.

I saw more of the course in nine holes because of SchemesALot looking for lost balls {balls abandoned by other players not onces we had hit} than one would normally see if they spent the whole day playing. Time and time again, as he drank more and more, SchemesALot narrowly avoided crashing carts with FinnickyExaggerator.

What I shot I have no idea; I stopped counting after the second hole. I did enjoy the game, though. The course was nice to look at and a challenge to play; beautiful houses lined the fairways and there were a few points where you were high atop hills with the most wonderous views.

When we came to the turn it was back to the snack bar. It was busier now as the discount crowd was arriving. FinnickyExaggerator left to buy a new glove; the one he was wearing just didn't feel right. SchemesALot had a couple quick beers and headed off to the bathroom. The red-head walked over, rested her hands on the snack bar and began tapping her freshly manicured nails. I don't have to close tonight she told me...then asked what we boys had planned after our game. I told her I didn't know what they had planned, but I'd had my fill for the day. The red-head said she was sorry to hear that and again reminded me she would keep in mind what I'd said about coming to see her again.

I thought of TheSpecialOne and thought I should be on my way. As I was walking out SchemesALot practically ran me over. I made an excuse of being tired, said I was concerned that my play was holding them up and that I would have to be heading home. SchemesALot told me he would walk me out to the car.

As I was putting my bag in the car he switched his over to FinnickyExaggerator's cart and pocketed a fresh pack of FinnickyExaggerator's cigarettes that were sitting in the cart. I thought FinnickyExaggerator was going to have a stroke when he came out and saw how SchemesALot had disrupted where he had things placed in the cart. SchemesALot asked FinnickyExaggeator for a cigarette who again said they have the generic ass cigarettes you smoke in the clubhouse and noted how much he paid for the European brand. He was so upset at his things being moved in the cart that he didn't notice the pack had been taken by SchemesALot. SchemesALot meanwhile made fun of the situation and talked about how much less the cigarettes actually cost than FinnickyExaggerator claimed while he went to his car for another pack.

I'm not sure to have ever been so happy to be leaving a golf course as I was when I looked back in the mirror. The two of them were still sitting in the cart clearly having a lively exchange. I clicked through the CD stacker to get to the one I labeled The Relaxinator and headed for home. I stopped at a nine hole course on the way, walked and shot 56. I have to say after the first nine of the day, it was the most enjoyable 56 I'd ever scored.

TheSpecialOne called me for a bit of phone sex before falling off to sleep. Orgasms always help her sleep better she told me. Before we hung up for the night TheSpecialOne told me what an enjoyable night she had with the girls and how happy she was when I told her I had a great time golfing. She encouraged me that I should take more time away from work.

I had a passing thought of the red-head before falling asleep. To be more accurate, I laughed thinking of TheSpecialOne's words and wondered if SchemesALot had gone to make time with the red-head after the game. Had he spent the rest of my money trying to take her home after closing. The thing I didn't have to wonder was whether the red-head had taken the bait SchemesALot attempted to dangle.

Through it all, I have to say the old adage is true. A bad day on the golf course is better than a good day at work.

Have I Ever Mentioned?

Have I ever mentioned...

--------(-)--> I say "no" to any "surge" in Iraq; no to any deployment of one additional person in either Iraq or Afghanistan. The change we voted for in November was not to increase those sent to be maimed and slaughtered in the sands of the Middle East.

--------(-)--> The most golf I've ever played in one day is 72 holes, plus an hour of practice beforehand. That was a day I didn't walk.

--------(-)--> The only time I listen to the radio in the car is when I have on NPR; otherwise I listen to CD's

--------(-)--> I'm looking forward to getting a telescope. I'm really interested in seeing what kind of photographs I can get of the planets.

--------(-)--> I've spent my life following the Pittsburgh Steelers. I'm not sure what to think at the moment; even though there was an expectation Bill Cowher was going to leave. He and Chuck Noll are the only Head Coaches I've ever known with the Steelers.

--------(-)--> I like driving a "beater" when I go out on my photo safaris. It's amazing, if your car looks like hell on the outside people don't imagine there can be anything valuable inside. Another thing I do is make a point of tossing a few bags from fast food restaurants, some burger wrappers and large, plastic, drink cups on the passenger side floor. Great for stashing this and that.

--------(-)--> Somehow it seems perfect to me that the last "live concert" The Beatles did was on the roof of Apple Records.

--------(-)--> I find it interesting that pinhead Bill O'Reilly {spelling? I don't care.} criticizes Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert while he is so happy to have Geraldo Rivera as a regular contributor.

--------(-)--> TheSpecialOne watches What Not To Wear on The Learning Channel. It's humorous. I can't help but to wonder about the hosts; where do they get off thinking they are so perfect? I think they can both use help. Don't even get me started on Cojo from Entertainment Tonight.

--------(-)--> Time for a snack; thinking pepper turkey and muenster cheese on pumpernickel bread with lettuce and mayo. And a few Heinekens.

The Long And Winding Road

"To be a book-collector is to combine the worst characteristics of a dope fiend with those of a miser." - Robertson Davies

--------(-)--> The Pittsburgh Steelers dished out one super size serving of whop ass to the Cleveland Browns tonight...making it a good year in The Steel City.

--------(-)--> The easiest "good deed" in the world is holding a door open for someone. It amazes me that people always seem so surprised. If I see someone coming behind me, more times than not I will stop, hold the door open, and wait for them to come through. Not only can you see the look of surprise on their face, they normally start walking faster as though I'll walk away and let the door close. I don't understand why holding a door for other people is not common.

--------(-)--> I love the new Tom Waits album Orphans, Brawlers, Bawlers and Bastards...and Will Smith's movie The Pursuit of Happiness.

--------(-)--> Being Pearl Harbor day, I'll share an experience I had last week. I pulled up to a gas pump; the car in front of me had a World War II Veteran license plate. I took a minute to talk to the gentleman. He told me that he is 86 years old. He was in the Navy before the war started and still when it ended; he served in the Pacific. I put out my hand, saying I want him to know that people appreciate what he did. He shook my hand warmly and thanked me. He told me that people normally never say anything. I paid to fill my tank and his.

--------(-)--> Master Baiter came in one weekend to see a Jackson Browne concert at the local convert pavilion. We got lost on the way to the show. Finally we pulled off for directions, at a driving range. I was on my way out to the car when Master came in to see what was taking so long. After getting directions, I bought a putter. Not something you do in a minute. 8-D

--------(-)--> I go to an interesting miniature golf course. It's not what normally comes to mind when you think of putt putt. The putting surface is grass...twisting and turning...with high grass and higher grass serving as obstacles.

--------(-)--> Last weekend I watched "Thunder Bay" with James Stewart. He's one of my all-time favorite actors. I made a quick list of 13. Along with Stewart, Jack Nicholson, Dustin Hoffman, Al Pacino, Robert Duvall, Robert DeNiro, Paul Newman, Jack Lemmon, Morgan Freeman, Denzel Washington, Tom Hanks, Clint Eastwood and John Wayne.

-------(-)--> My 2008 Presidential pick, Colin Powell.

Keeping Score Never Entered My Mind...

I took a bit of time away from work, stepped away from the rigors of daily life and enjoyed some of the things that make all the challenges worthwhile. Just a few highlights for now as the hour is growing late.

It quickly became apparent this would not be a normal round of golf. We had visitors on the first hole...

Saltfork is Ohio's largest state park. {If you're ever in the Columbus area don't miss it! They have an outstanding meeting and banquet facility}

Thanks to my buddy Tony, from The Lives and Times..., for inviting me to join him for the weekend.

Golf Digest has rated the golf course four-stars...

The scenery is extraordinary...

Photographs by Kilroy_60

Vietnam Minus Jungle Add Sand And Repeat

Photograph by Kilroy_60

"I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it." - Samuel Goldwyn

I lived in Washington, D.C. in the days when the city was not an armed camp. Ronald Reagan resided at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and George Herbert Walker Bush was a heartbeat away from the Presidency.

Yes, D.C. had one of the highest murder rates in the country. Such facts, though, were never taken into consideration. When we went to a bar in the Mount Pleasant area, for pitchers of beer and some of the best pizza you could imagine, you were likely to never see a police car. Not in "little Vietnam". Perhaps it was because we were oblivious to threats as much as we chose to ignore dangers.

Those were the days when you could walk into the United States capital without hassles and the possibility of a cavity search. You could walk freely throughout the complex and sit in the galleries to watch the Senate and the House of Representatives in session. No one questioned where you were going or what you were doing. Or maybe I ignored them and no one pressed the issue.

There were nights we sat on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, smoking joints and watching the eternal flame flickering on Kennedy's grave across the Potomac River. You could walk over to the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial anytime of the day or night. There would always be people there. It would be quiet.

At the time John F. Kennedy was leading our country he was planning with Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara to pull military advisors out of Vietnam. Vice President Lyndon Johnson disagreed; believing such talk should not have been made public.

Enter Lee Harvey Oswald. Kennedy was out. Johnson was in. The Domino Theory emerged in Southeast Asia with the focus being Vietnam.

40 years later the progression of events occurring a world away is eerily familiar. Circumstances changed on the ground in ways we did not foresee; there was faulty intelligence which led to bad decisions by the President; Congress granted the President extraordinary power; a military campaign ensued guided by flawed rules of engagement; ineffective strategies were incorporated; the war was unpopular at home; there was a huge expenditure of financial resources; the loss of lives, the number of casualties and the damage to military families was incalculable; the quality of life in America was changed for the worse.

Fast Forward to 1980 and then wind slowly through to 1988. Iraq was at war with Iran; we backed Iraq. Afghanistan, meanwhile, was invaded by the Soviet Union of 1979 and stuck around for more than nine years. The horse we bet on this time was Afghanistan; although the meaningful support promised did not materialize. On to August, 1990...Iraq invaded Kuwait which led to The Persian Gulf War. Hostilities began, involving a coalition of countries under the banner of the United Nations let by the United States, at the beginning of January, 1991 and "The TV War" came to a close at the end of February.

Again, the cast of characters in place at the time of Operations Desert Shield/Desert Storm and those in power on September 11, 2001 are sickeningly familiar.

to be continued...

A Bad Day On The Golf Course Is Better Than A Good Day At Work

"The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise." - Hunter S. Thompson

Photograph by Kilroy_60

I escaped work and purposefully avoided watching the news over the weekend. The Golf Gods smiled and I got out for 18 both days. The weather was perfect all weekend; the kind of days you want to bottle and open up by the time the middle of February rolls around.

Drove an hour on Saturday to play one of my favorite courses. Arrived at the perfect time...just after the guys who think they should be playing The Tour were leaving and the ones waiting for the weekend discount to kick in were sitting at home watching the clock. I walked and played two balls. Shot 90 with one and 93 with the other. They have a great snackbar where the blonde behind the counter came ever so close to making the cut for Playboy. I had two Italian sausage sandwiches between nines with perfectly grilled red peppers on the side. It was delicious. Oh yes, the sandwiches were very good too. The blonde's twin drives the drink cart; it seems like I'm always thirstier when I play there.

Late Sunday morning I got a call from SchemesALot. I was still in bed after a night of debauchery with TheSpecialOne. He asked if I wanted to join him and FinickyExaggerator for 18 that afternoon. I called him back a couple hours later to say I'd go. TheSpecialOne had given her blessing and gone to sleep. She was getting together with the girls for the evening.

SchemesALot told me we'd go to the course where he's gotten to be tight with the owner. The worm turned when I arrived to pick him up. He'd been drinking since he called me. SchemesALot wanted to tell me about his latest venture to make money without paying taxes. I could do it too, he told me, and I could use his PayPal account to be sure the money couldn't be traced. Next he wanted to show off his garden...then we went outside to see the other garden. Where was FinickyExaggerator I asked two or three times. Finally SchemesALot stopped talking. I asked him again and he told me we were meeting at the course.

SchemesALot never stopped chirping while I drove the roundabout way to the course. We drove twice as far as needed when he had me turn the wrong way. Twice. FinickyExaggerator was not there when we arrived. Normally he'd have arrived early enough to putt a bit, hit a couple buckets of balls, have something to eat, brush his teeth and be shopping in the proshop for the latest gadget. SchemesALot called to find out he'd gone to a different course. Of course SchemesALot didn't understand how it could have happened, but he told me it would be good as we'd have more time to hang out and talk.

SchemesALot suggested we go to the snack bar to wait for FinickyExaggerator. The statuesque red-head smiled wide as we walked in...like the cat that ate the canary. It quickly became apparent that SchemesALot was convinced if he tipped her enough that he was going to score. After a couple beers he told me he'd go and pay my greens fee so he could bullshit with his buddy. I was happy to be rid of him so I could have a couple sandwiches in peace. As he was walking away with my fifty dollars he told me we wouldn't have to pay for carts. I shook my head and the red-head laughed. He's really something, she said. "Something" doesn't begin to describe it, I told her. The fact that the red-head felt the need to comment spoke volumes. It was apparent that she was quite accustomed to attention and knew how to work with what God had blessed her.

FinickyExaggerator came in and asked what was going on with SchemesALot. Not only had he sent him to the wrong course, he told him I was coming at a later time. FinickyExaggerator didn't know how he was going to be able to play without time to prepare properly. I saw the red-head looking out of the corner of her eye with a mischievous smile on her face. The red-head didn't have the first three drinks FinickyExaggeator asked for; finally he settled for bottled water. He headed out to his car to change shoes and hit some putts.

I haven't seen you here with them before, the red-head said as FinickyExaggerator walked out. I told her I didn't know if she'd see me there with them again, but I wouldn't mind coming to see her. The red-head told me I was sweet and batted her eyes. Just then SchemesALot came bouncing in and asked if I'd seen FinickyExaggerator. Told he'd gone out to the parking lot, SchemesALot told me to come on...that we were burning daylight. I paid the red-head; as she took the money she looked into my eyes intently. I'll remember what you said about coming back, she told me. SchemeALot stuck his head back in the door...C'mon, man, let's go.

I went outside to find that SchemesALot had put our clubs on a cart and FinickyExaggerator had a cart parked next to his car across the parking lot. C'mon, man, SchemesALot told me, let's get over there. FinickyExaggeator is playing for free, SchemesALot told me as he burned tires making a quick getaway from the clubhouse. I asked about my change and SchemesALot told me he'd paid for the golf and would catch up with me later. I started to ask about the deal he was getting and SchemesALot told me I shouldn't worry so much. We're here to golf, he told me, chill out. I heard the red-head's voice in my head. He's really something.

SchemesALot had enough warm beer stashed in his bag to get him through the front side. But he had to keep taking cigarettes from FinickyExaggerator who smokes a European brand. This, of course, didn't go over well with FinickyExaggerator who kept pointing out that they have the generic ass cigarettes SchemesALot smokes in the clubhosue. SchemesALot never carded more than a bogey which FinnickyExaggerator continually questioned. He would recount shot for shot what had transpired on the hole we'd just played. Meanwhile, FinnickyExaggerator never shot more than par...according to the scorecard.

FinickyExaggerator was talking about his business venture, the newest gadgets and clubs he'd gotten to cut strokes off his game, how much money he was spending on various home remodeling projects and what he was buying for his boys. As we drove from one hole to the next SchemesALot contested whatever conversation I'd been having with FinnickyExaggerator. He made sure to point out that this didn't cost that much and how he had facilitated deals to get things done for FinnickyExaggerator at little or no cost.

I saw more of the course in nine holes because of SchemesALot looking for lost balls {balls abandoned by other players not onces we had hit} than one would normally see if they spent the whole day playing. Time and time again, as he drank more and more, SchemesALot narrowly avoided crashing carts with FinnickyExaggerator.

What I shot I have no idea; I stopped counting after the second hole. I did enjoy the game, though. The course was nice to look at and a challenge to play; beautiful houses lined the fairways and there were a few points where you were high atop hills with the most wonderous views.

When we came to the turn it was back to the snack bar. It was busier now as the discount crowd was arriving. FinnickyExaggerator left to buy a new glove; the one he was wearing just didn't feel right. SchemesALot had a couple quick beers and headed off to the bathroom. The red-head walked over, rested her hands on the snack bar and began tapping her freshly manicured nails. I don't have to close tonight she told me...then asked what we boys had planned after our game. I told her I didn't know what they had planned, but I'd had my fill for the day. The red-head said she was sorry to hear that and again reminded me she would keep in mind what I'd said about coming to see her again.

I thought of TheSpecialOne and thought I should be on my way. As I was walking out SchemesALot practically ran me over. I made an excuse of being tired, said I was concerned that my play was holding them up and that I would have to be heading home. SchemesALot told me he would walk me out to the car.

As I was putting my bag in the car he switched his over to FinnickyExaggerator's cart and pocketed a fresh pack of FinnickyExaggerator's cigarettes that were sitting in the cart. I thought FinnickyExaggerator was going to have a stroke when he came out and saw how SchemesALot had disrupted where he had things placed in the cart. SchemesALot asked FinnickyExaggeator for a cigarette who again said they have the generic ass cigarettes you smoke in the clubhouse and noted how much he paid for the European brand. He was so upset at his things being moved in the cart that he didn't notice the pack had been taken by SchemesALot. SchemesALot meanwhile made fun of the situation and talked about how much less the cigarettes actually cost than FinnickyExaggerator claimed while he went to his car for another pack.

I'm not sure to have ever been so happy to be leaving a golf course as I was when I looked back in the mirror. The two of them were still sitting in the cart clearly having a lively exchange. I clicked through the CD stacker to get to the one I labeled The Relaxinator and headed for home. I stopped at a nine hole course on the way, walked and shot 56. I have to say after the first nine of the day, it was the most enjoyable 56 I'd ever scored.

TheSpecialOne called me for a bit of phone sex before falling off to sleep. Orgasms always help her sleep better she told me. Before we hung up for the night TheSpecialOne told me what an enjoyable night she had with the girls and how happy she was when I told her I had a great time golfing. She encouraged me that I should take more time away from work.

I had a passing thought of the red-head before falling asleep. To be more accurate, I laughed thinking of TheSpecialOne's words and wondered if SchemesALot had gone to make time with the red-head after the game. Had he spent the rest of my money trying to take her home after closing. The thing I didn't have to wonder was whether the red-head had taken the bait SchemesALot attempted to dangle.

Through it all, I have to say the old adage is true. A bad day on the golf course is better than a good day at work.

Photograph by Kilroy_60